From the Beginning

Almost 30 with two kids, a Master’s degree and a man who won’t commit. It seems that when life hits with a max amount of stressors, sometimes its hard to pull yourself up. I have focused so much time and effort into going to school, being a good girlfriend and trying to be the best mom that I settled into a life that does not yet have the outcome that I so deserve, or at least I feel as if I deserve it.

Sexual abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse are just a few things that can happen to someone in hopes of completely wiping their emotions off this earth. What those people who caused that to happen to had no idea that it would make a girl, now a woman, stronger in all aspects. Though stronger is certain aspects, there are some parts of life that I can not seem to grasp. Why I push people away like they were strangers on the street, but there are those few people who I continue to allow to let me down. Could all my downfalls in life clearly be actually a ladder pushing me to the top?

Why mom tried the best she could to not love a men, but a few. Why my dad decided drugs was a greater love than the love of his family. Both parents in their own way had a way of getting things done. They had a smooth, almost too smooth, way of not showing emotions to their own children until it mattered. When watching my father cry at a bus stop because he no longer had money to take his two youngest kids to the fair, mostly because he spent two days getting high.

Why my siblings and I all grew up with different people and in different houses or bouncing throughout different houses. All 4 of us so different, it is hard to imagine we are siblings. Some may say how sad it is, but not us. I think secretly, we all enjoyed the small piece of life we had as an “only child”. It separated us, yet, as adults, we’ve come to understand that we are different and that is okay too.

All in all, life happens to people! Life is fun, full of excitement, love and happiness. That’s what we think at the moment. We are about to hit 30 and the plans we had, things we wanted to do by 30, hasn’t happened. What is living and how is it done? I can be grateful for the tragedies in my life. I am a victim, but I do not play a victim. In the privacy of my own mind, I crave revenge on those who have hurt me. Outwardly, I know it would do nothing for me. I go on verbal attacks constantly, many hating that part of my personality. But when life happens, we can either lay down and take the beating or learn from it. Though I am not fully happy of what has transpired in my life, I have decided (long ago) that I would talk. I can talk to anyone that will listen. If my story can show people how to overcome obstacles or just allow someone to pass time to hear someone else’s heartbreak and happiness, than that’s what I will do. Happy reading and when all starts to fall, it’s just life happening.